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Walking

Feb. 16, 2017, noon

There are all types of walkers. You've got your strollers, your trotters, your runners, and even your skippers. Then you've got limpers, trippers, wanderers, slowpokes, meanderers, waddlers, and swaggerers. If asked which one I was, I'd respond I'm, as far as I can tell, a swagger. Just walking around with my shoulders up; back straight; head up; a slight limp, which of course is a barely determinable limp born of my right leg, but that's a story for another time, we're talking about walkers.

If you sit for a moment anywhere people are found, which would be pretty much anywhere on this world (being Earth), and you look out upon them you'd almost certainly be able to see all these types of walkers and more! Everyones got there own little way. While two people may both be trotters, they can trot in so many different ways. While one trotter may simply have a small spring in his step, perhaps he recently got a promotion, the other trotter may be trotting simply because they know no other way to walk and simply find that trotting is the quickest form of on foot locomotion they can think of; because they're stupid.

Trotting is a horrible way to walk. You just clip clop around like a horse and never get anywhere. Next thing you know, those damn trotters are strapping metal to their feet and tapping away! Perhaps this is where tap dancing came from...

Regardless! There are so many other ways to walk as well! There are trudgers, crawlers (for those young ones among us), wobblers, and your classic, and usually intoxicated, stumblers. All do it, being walking, how they see fit despite the fact that some ways of walking are just ridiculous, as I stated previously; and will not go into it again.

Now in my humble opinion, the most common walker you'll almost undoubtably see wandering this big wide, possibly doomed, world, is the waddler. These behemoths of man are almost always leaving a McDonalds or, if particularly destitute, a Burger King. They just waddle along like so many pigs and almost undoubtably weight within the range of 1 ton each. It's a wonder how they manage to traverse the planet as such! And, while one may assume that they would be fat and jolly, they are not!

More often then not these rolling blobs of humanity are assholes. Not literal assholes of course, but assholes of the metaphoric variety. One confronts them in a hall and rather than retreat back down the accursed hall from whence they came, they press forward crushing you into the wall! As they pass you even swear a chicken nugget fell out of their fat folds!

But, alas, not much can be done about those waddlers I fear for they are set in their ways; also, I don't think any mortal weapon short of a heart attack can smite them through their rubberized hide. So we will move on to the finale!

There are so many walkers out there! Every human out there has got there own style of walking. Your mom, your dad, your teacher, that random guy that follows you sometimes, and, how could I almost forget this, yourself. If you can't figure out which one you are, you're the one that no one else is! It's quite simply logic really and I'm quite proud of it. Some might even describe it as 'Voodoo Magic,' but that's just them.

Keep walking. If you don't you'll probably die so it's definitely in your best interest to keep on strolling, trotting, running, skipping, limping, tripping, wandering, slowpoking, meandering, waddling, swaggering, trudging, crawling, wobbling, stumbling, or whatever the hell you do!